Happy Birthday
by DiChromate
Summary: Drapion and Illumise's marriage or whatever is in trouble or something! Oh no! Hopefully something can be done to solve this conundrum! One-shot request.


Drapion felt he was missing something today. Something he had forgotten. He checked his day planner, then realized he had never written anything in it and shrugged.

He rolled off his makeshift bed and made towards the smell of food coming from the kitchen. Scanning the room, his eyes alighted on the fridge, and he made straight for it.

"Ahem," said a voice behind him.

Drapion recognized the voice of Illumise, his wife. "What's up?" he asked, rifling through the content of the fridge.

"Parodn?" she asked sharply.

"Err, what is it dear?" said Drapion, thus ensuring his continued existence.

There was a pause. "Did you forget?"

This was a martial minefield. "No, of course not," he lied. "How could I forget?" Drapion now dearly wished he had made use of his planner.

"It's a very special day," Illumise prompted.

_Anniversary? Parent's birthday? Child's birthday? _Drapion scratched the last two off the list when he realized they hated their parents and didn't have any children.

"Right, right, I know what day it is," said Drapion. He cursed himself for not buying anything for his wife. Maybe he could sneak out and find something later.

He turned and saw Illumise sitting at the table, with a pointy hat on her head and balloons tied to the chair. They all read "Happy Birthday" in jaunty lettering.

It all clicked into place. "Ahh," said Drapion, smiling. "Of course I didn't forget. How could I?" He approached the table and kissed his wife on the cheek. Illumise's icy glare softened into a smile as her husband finally got the hint. "I'm so happy you remembered my birthday!"

Illumise's smile instantly reverted into an icy glare. "What." she said.

"You know I don't like big celebrations," said Drapion, pulling down one of the balloons. He decided not to pop it, since his wife would have trouble with such things due to her stubby arms. He looked around the kitchen. "Where's the cake?"

Illumise stared at him, her expression a mix of silent rage and shock. "You might want to rethink that, dear," she said slowly.

Drpaion paused. "Cupcakes?" he ventured.

Illumise's face slowly turned to a neutral expression. She floated up from the chair and left for their room. Drapion followed her, afraid he had done something wrong. "Illy?" he called.

"Don't talk to me," she said, her soft voice concealing barely-contained anger.

"Did I do something wrong?" he asked.

"Get out," she said. "I fear that if I see you right now, I would tear out your throat with my teeth." She went into their room, the door slamming shut behind her, seemingly of its own accord.

Drapion carefully put his ear to the door. He imagined he could hear muffled sobs from the other side, but it wasn't clear.

Then he slapped himself on the forehead. "_Her _birthday," he muttered. There were mistakes, and there were _mistakes. _This was a _mistake._

He could fix it all, though. If he tried his hardest, he might be able to salvage things. He wandered back into the kitchen, wracking his brain. What did Illumise like? Flowers? Candy? Those were general things. They'd probably do alright.

And a cake. She needed a cake. Women liked cake. Was that sexist? Maybe.

Suddenly the phone rang. Drapion picked it up, surprised to hear Gengar's voice.

"Drapion!" said his close friend. "Gengar has a phone now! And he's going to go throw rocks at baby Eevee! Do you want to come?"

Drapion did. More than anything. It pained him. "I can't Gengar. It's Illy's birthday."

Gengar was silent, but Drapion could hear him breathing. "Bros before hos," he said.

"My wife's not a ho."

"Gengar wishes she was. He'd pay so much for her to suck his-"

Drapion hung up the phone. Gengar wasn't helpful at all.

Three hours later, Illumise felt she was calm enough to leave the room. At the least, she would only punch Drapion in the face if she saw him instead of killing him.

She floated to the kitchen, rather hungry, and was pleasantly surprised by what she saw.

Drapion was standing next to the kitchen table, a guilty smile on his face. Half-inflated balloons hung limply in the air, next to a banner that proclaimed "Baby's First Birthday!"

"That was all they had," Drapion said by way of explanation.

"What's all this?" asked Illumise, eyes wandering around the room.

"I know I screwed up," said Drapion, approaching her. "Screwed up bad. So I have to try and fix it."

Illumise could feel her heart softening a little. "Well, I can see you tried," she said.

Drapion nodded. "Yeah, yeah. He pulled out a bouquet from somewhere behind him. "See? Flowers."

Illumise took them fomr him "Oh my, they're beautiful," she said, inhaling their scent.

She sneezed. She sneezed again.

"What kind of flowers are these?" she sniffed.

"Orchids," he said, sounding worried. "Why?"

"I'm allergic to orchids," she answered, putting the flowers on the table on the table and sneezing again.

Drapion quickly brought out his second weapon: a heart-shaped box of candies. "Well, what about these?" he asked.

"Ooh," said Illumise, ripping off the cover and greedily stuffing the chocolate into her mouth.

Drapion smiled. At least these had worked.

Then Illumise stopped. "Whagh argh thege?" she asked.

"…Chocolate?" said Drapion. He lifted up the box and read the label. "Yeah, chocolate. See?"

Illumise took the box from him and read the label. Then her eyes widened and she spat out what was in her mouth. "Drapion, this box expired three months ago!"

"Huh, you think I would've noticed that," he said. Drapion decided it was time for the grand finale: the cake. He plunked the plate down in front of her. "Well, what do you think of this?"

Illumise stared at it. "What is it?"

"A cake."

"Cake is usually solid."

Drapion glanced at the goopy mass. "You sure?"

"Yes. Did you add flour and baking soda and all that?"

Drapion frowned. "Flour?"

Illumise sighed. "I don't think it's edible, dear."

Drapion could feel a tear in his eye. He sunk to the floor. "I tried, Illy. I tried so hard. I really did."

Illumise floated over to him. "I know you did Drapion, I know." She kissed him on the cheek. "But it wasn't enough. I want a divorce."

Drapion cried through the whole proceeding.

EPILOUGE:

Illumise went on to marry world champion bodybuilder Heracross. He died three years later in a helicopter accident and she inherited everything he owned.

Drapion lived in a box for the rest of his life, weeping and eating rocks.

Gengar threw rocks at baby Eevee and was beat up an an agree Leafeon. He claimed he was going easy on them.


End file.
